...OR...
I'm going with Fat Bastard on this one....
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
So...who do you trust more with YOUR children...???
...OR...
I'm going with Fat Bastard on this one....
Monday, March 9, 2009
Significant Relationship=Companionship
At this point in my life, my most significant relationship is the one that I have with my children. However, I realize that there will come a time when I will aspire to have a relationship involving a significant other. It's hard to say what I would look for in this relationship, since for now it is merely a figment of my imagination, an idea swirling around in the depths of my subconscious. I suppose the only word that comes to mind right now is 'companionship', as it is truly the basis for any long-lasting relationship whether it be with a friend or lover.
Companionship sounds so easy, yet it requires so many cogs to be turning in the same motion at the same time; it is deceiving in its simplicity. Companionship does not mean doing everything together all the time, but instead it means carving out pockets of time for togetherness, slices of space in which two people can reside at the same time, while still ensuring individuality and freedom of thought. It involves a feeling of connectedness combined with comfort, friendship involved with peace and, most importantly, laughter looped with love. Companionship does not have to be "serious", it just has to be equal. Both people must want it in the same way at the same time, and therein lies its elusiveness.
Time changes people in ways that even they cannot predict or prevent; it's just how life goes. All beings must change, or they will perish, which only goes to follow that all relationships must also change or fade away. Companionship is not a safeguard against a relationship's demise, but it is an essential ingredient for success. Success does not mean marriage or even a long-term relationship. It simply means that two people are present in the same space at the same time and enjoying the moment, living for the happiness that is right in front of them and allowing for the possibility of further happiness ahead, whatever that may mean.
I'm sure I've oversimplified a very complex subject, but I think it's only complex because people make it that way. Relationships of all kinds just need to feel right and feel good without all the restraints and ideologies of others restricting which direction they turn. Companionship is blind to the opinions of others because at the root of all relationships is concern for who you love. Companionship lets you laugh out loud, act silly, be crazy, try new things, go new places, wish upon stars and live with reckless abandon. In short, companionship makes an already wonderful life all the sweeter.
Companionship sounds so easy, yet it requires so many cogs to be turning in the same motion at the same time; it is deceiving in its simplicity. Companionship does not mean doing everything together all the time, but instead it means carving out pockets of time for togetherness, slices of space in which two people can reside at the same time, while still ensuring individuality and freedom of thought. It involves a feeling of connectedness combined with comfort, friendship involved with peace and, most importantly, laughter looped with love. Companionship does not have to be "serious", it just has to be equal. Both people must want it in the same way at the same time, and therein lies its elusiveness.
Time changes people in ways that even they cannot predict or prevent; it's just how life goes. All beings must change, or they will perish, which only goes to follow that all relationships must also change or fade away. Companionship is not a safeguard against a relationship's demise, but it is an essential ingredient for success. Success does not mean marriage or even a long-term relationship. It simply means that two people are present in the same space at the same time and enjoying the moment, living for the happiness that is right in front of them and allowing for the possibility of further happiness ahead, whatever that may mean.
I'm sure I've oversimplified a very complex subject, but I think it's only complex because people make it that way. Relationships of all kinds just need to feel right and feel good without all the restraints and ideologies of others restricting which direction they turn. Companionship is blind to the opinions of others because at the root of all relationships is concern for who you love. Companionship lets you laugh out loud, act silly, be crazy, try new things, go new places, wish upon stars and live with reckless abandon. In short, companionship makes an already wonderful life all the sweeter.
Checklist Syndrome: Do You Have It?
I know so many people that are suffering w/ Checklist Syndrome. I, myself, also struggled with it for a while, but now I call myself a survivor.
At some point in our lives, we are all forced to evaluate "where we are" and compare it to "where we 'should' be".
This is a dangerous act.
It is dangerous because it forces us to compare our own personal achievements (or the lack thereof) with what society expects of us.
Everyone seems to be laboring under the false delusion that by the time you are X (insert age here), you should be married and have X (insert second number here) of kids. You are supposed to have gone to college and be employed in this fantastic career for which there are, of course, endless opportunities for advancement. You should be happy. You should have the perfect body. You should be this ideal person living this fairytale life. In other words, you are supposed to be working on checking off the boxes on "the checklist". This is the prime example of Checklist Syndrome. It's the nagging doubt, the voice in the back of our mind, the picture perfect ideal that makes us question our own self-worth.
This begs the questions, "whose checklist is this, anyway?"
I mean,really, who decides what goes on this list? Who decides what will guarantee our happiness??
Unfortunately, I do not believe that we create our own list; I believe it is created by others' expectations for us. It is a culmination of things that we thing we are "supposed" to do in life, a list of things that are supposed to make us "happy". Ultimately, this Checklist Syndrome will lead to unhappiness, for following the expectations of others can only lead to misery. Alas, most of us, myself included, have to go through this all on our own, land on our rear end, and then, only then, start to rebuild our lives from there.
I thought I was doing everything right. When I graduated from high school I went to a four-year university. I had an awesome time, got a great education, spent a semester in Europe, graduated and eventually found a decent job that I liked well enough (all off the checklist). I met the person I would eventually marry, figured I had "grown up" enough and decided that he was "the one". We got married, waited the appropriate time (also on the checklist), got pregnant and started having kids.
Now here I am, ten years later, on my own for what feels like the first time in my life. Why? Because now I have a new and improved checklist: one that I wrote for myself. One that is flexible, mutable, ever-changing and expanding.
A waste of ten years?
Some may say so, but not me. After all, I got three beautiful and smart children out of the deal. As a sacrifice, however, I did have to give up part of myself, a part that I am now reclaiming, slowly, but surely.
So, how should someone avoid Checklist Syndrome? It's easy…
Here is my solution:
Write your own damn checklist.
Throw away the old one and tell anyone that asks you about it to shove it up their arse.
Do what you want to do.
Be what you want to be.
Don't force it—life has it's own agenda, and there is no way to change it. You are along for the ride, so you better figure out how to discover the joys present in your life. Figure out exactly what it is that makes you smile, makes you laugh, makes your heart soar and then write it down—if it can do those things, it belongs on your new and improved checklist and is surely a cure for Checklist Syndrome.
My new checklist is pretty short. It has on it things that I can work towards as time goes by (like go to Greece for a week-long vacation) and some that I can do immediately (like go whitewater rafting this spring). Overall, I know that I have to create my own vision of what life is "supposed" to be like. I have to be okay knowing that I am 35, a single mom with three kids and, with my job, the hopes of making millions are essentially out the window! But I also know that no matter how simple or average or ordinary my life may appear to others…it's mine…it's perfect…and I love it….
At some point in our lives, we are all forced to evaluate "where we are" and compare it to "where we 'should' be".
This is a dangerous act.
It is dangerous because it forces us to compare our own personal achievements (or the lack thereof) with what society expects of us.
Everyone seems to be laboring under the false delusion that by the time you are X (insert age here), you should be married and have X (insert second number here) of kids. You are supposed to have gone to college and be employed in this fantastic career for which there are, of course, endless opportunities for advancement. You should be happy. You should have the perfect body. You should be this ideal person living this fairytale life. In other words, you are supposed to be working on checking off the boxes on "the checklist". This is the prime example of Checklist Syndrome. It's the nagging doubt, the voice in the back of our mind, the picture perfect ideal that makes us question our own self-worth.
This begs the questions, "whose checklist is this, anyway?"
I mean,really, who decides what goes on this list? Who decides what will guarantee our happiness??
Unfortunately, I do not believe that we create our own list; I believe it is created by others' expectations for us. It is a culmination of things that we thing we are "supposed" to do in life, a list of things that are supposed to make us "happy". Ultimately, this Checklist Syndrome will lead to unhappiness, for following the expectations of others can only lead to misery. Alas, most of us, myself included, have to go through this all on our own, land on our rear end, and then, only then, start to rebuild our lives from there.
I thought I was doing everything right. When I graduated from high school I went to a four-year university. I had an awesome time, got a great education, spent a semester in Europe, graduated and eventually found a decent job that I liked well enough (all off the checklist). I met the person I would eventually marry, figured I had "grown up" enough and decided that he was "the one". We got married, waited the appropriate time (also on the checklist), got pregnant and started having kids.
Now here I am, ten years later, on my own for what feels like the first time in my life. Why? Because now I have a new and improved checklist: one that I wrote for myself. One that is flexible, mutable, ever-changing and expanding.
A waste of ten years?
Some may say so, but not me. After all, I got three beautiful and smart children out of the deal. As a sacrifice, however, I did have to give up part of myself, a part that I am now reclaiming, slowly, but surely.
So, how should someone avoid Checklist Syndrome? It's easy…
Here is my solution:
Write your own damn checklist.
Throw away the old one and tell anyone that asks you about it to shove it up their arse.
Do what you want to do.
Be what you want to be.
Don't force it—life has it's own agenda, and there is no way to change it. You are along for the ride, so you better figure out how to discover the joys present in your life. Figure out exactly what it is that makes you smile, makes you laugh, makes your heart soar and then write it down—if it can do those things, it belongs on your new and improved checklist and is surely a cure for Checklist Syndrome.
My new checklist is pretty short. It has on it things that I can work towards as time goes by (like go to Greece for a week-long vacation) and some that I can do immediately (like go whitewater rafting this spring). Overall, I know that I have to create my own vision of what life is "supposed" to be like. I have to be okay knowing that I am 35, a single mom with three kids and, with my job, the hopes of making millions are essentially out the window! But I also know that no matter how simple or average or ordinary my life may appear to others…it's mine…it's perfect…and I love it….
Get To Know CharMarie...
25 Random Things About Me…
1. Being a mom is my greatest joy! My kids are so smart and cute and HYSTERICAL (they get all that from me, by the way…ha!). Don’t get me wrong—they stress me out on the DAILY, but that comes with the territory, I suppose.
2. I am an eternal optimist even when I shouldn’t be. To me, the glass is always half full and the sun is always shining. I think this is one of my best traits, but also one of my worst. It sets me up for lots of disappointment, but I rationalize that by saying that life is too short to be finding the negative—plus, finding the negative is easy—it’s finding the small joys that proves to be the difficult task.
3. I am honest to a fault, especially with myself. I am not a “sugar-coater” and I hate when people do that to me! I’d rather just put it all out there on the table so we can fix whatever needs fixing or move forward with what’s next on the agenda. And I never lie to myself. I have never understood that—I know the truth, so why try to cover it up? Yes, reality can be a nasty thing, but living in denial makes things a trillion times worse down the line.
4. I am a logophile and a bibliophile—a lover of words and a lover of books. If I were stranded on a remote island, I would only need a library and an endless supply of paper and pens…that’s possible, right?
5. I love technology. I would shrivel up into a desiccated wad of nothingness without my cell phone, camera, computer and internet (and the proxima and document camera in my classroom!)
6. I have the best job in the whole world. I wake up every single day happy to go to work. Sure, occasionally some 16-year old wisenheimer will try to ruin my good vibe, but one look from “Ms. C” usually cures that real quickly! My students are so smart and so funny—I swear they CRACK ME UP all dang day long! On most days it doesn’t even feel like work!
7. I once killed a goose with a plastic shovel. It’s true. I swear. Ask me someday over a beer and I’ll tell you that story and several other ones that go along with being raised on a farm in the Midwest.
8. I have the coolest family in the whole world---my sisters, my dad, my cousins—they all rock…seriously. We have so much fun together! I’m so lucky.
9. I have the BEST friends ever. No lie. My girls are so down for me. They have had my back through some of the craziest stuff over the past two years that I’ve been in the process of divorcing and learning to be single! We have so much fun and know how to CRACK ME THE HELL UP all the time! And I have friends from eons ago that I still love so much and am so lucky to have in my life!!
10. I am horribly cynical when it comes to the subjects of love and marriage. What a farce. No need to expound on my theories here, but again, ask me over a beer and we’ll swap ideas after I tell you the goose story (ha!).
11. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I’m pretty easy to read if you are paying attention. It’s relatively easy to tell if I love you or if I can’t deal with you (with the exception of my students…they all think I love them truly and deeply—I do for the most part, but wow! Some of them are super questionable…). So this plus the fact that I’m incurably honest means my feelings are very clear, which means that I can sometimes put my heart in rather perilous situations, but at the end of the day, even if things don’t end how I’d like, I always know I’ve said what I needed to say!
12. My name is an irony in and of itself: Charlene means “little womanly one” and I am, perhaps, the most un-domestic woman on the planet. I despise and loathe cooking, cleaning, baking, shopping and everything else stereotypically associated with “girl stuff”. I’m not lazy or anything, I just want to spend my time doing more important things like hanging w/ my kids or writing a poem or reading a book while laying out at the pool…or whatever other hedonistic pursuit comes my way! Ha!
13. I hate seafood. Gross. Enough said.
14. I really want to be fluent in Spanish. I do ok and can handle simple conversations and phone calls home to parents, but if I’m speaking to someone with a vocabulary larger than a first grader, I’m screwed! I just need more practice!
15. When I grow up, I want to be a writer. I write poetry and screenplays, and my dream is to some day be able to do that full time! (not sure when I’ll grow up though, so it may be a while yet)
16. My mom was diagnosed with Leukemia in 2005; her illness threw me for quite the loop--yes, of course because she is my mom, but on another level too. I quickly realized how evanescent time is, that time is really not mine to hold on to. I realized that at any moment I, too, could be dealt the same devastating blow. Life was “ok” for me at the time, but this epiphany helped me see that “ok” was not enough. I didn’t want to be 53 and go, “Oh, wow, that sucked. I shoulda…coulda…woulda…”. So, here I am, single after 10 years of marriage!! And honestly, I have rediscovered who I am and what I’m all about. Happiness is mine!
17. There are very few things in my life that I regret—maybe like 2? No point in regret—it is a wasted emotion. It is what it is. Deal with it.
18. Laughter is the key to my heart. I love a guy that can be smart and funny at the same time! You have no idea how hard this is to find…wow… And a guy that can make me laugh in a text message is super impressive. To make me crack up in less than 150 characters is freakin’ awesome.
19. I love to travel. I have been to 9 countries in Europe, the Bahamas and Canada—does Canada even count?? My Michigan friends will inevitably say NO to that one! Ha! Greece is next on my list of foreign places to go!
20. I am a sucker for a cute boy that smells good and can dance. HA!!
21. I believe that change is good. Lots of people find it scary, but not me. I am always down for life’s next adventure.
22. I want to get my PhD. I need to wait for my kids to be older though—maybe in 10 years?
23. I’m probably one of the most liberal Democrats you’ll ever meet…and so are most of my friends and family!
24. I played football in college. I swear! It’s true, too! Ok, ok, so it was intramural, but still! My team (the Redcoats) won the women’s championship at the University of South Florida and beat out like 10 other teams. USF paid for our uniforms, hotel and travel to go to New Orleans for a week to play in the National Championships at the Sugar Bowl (at which we got our asses handed to us by a team made up of the girl’s track team from Univ. of Florida!). While we were there one of my teammates got shot. Honest. Again…over the beer…
25. I am a chronic multi-tasker. I can never only do one thing at a time. I flip through TV channels incessantly while grading, texting on the cell and talking on the house phone while cooking dinner and lesson planning. Ok, so I’m over exaggerating a bit, but only by a bit!
26. Clearly, I have too much to say about myself tonight…perhaps it’s time for bed…oh wait, that’s 26—always the overachiever… Night!
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